"Pee" Test

[IcanGlide]

I am starting a new job next week and with the usual background check comes the drug test. On Monday, my recruiter called and told me that he was sending a packet for a drug screen by Fed-ex. At 10:05 yesterday morning it arrived, and I called for an appointment but they said just come on in.

I'm thinking it will be the usual tinkle test so I drink a glass of water before I leave for good measure. Were you able to see me now, you would be looking at a very stupid man. By the time I hit Westgate Parkway, my horizon was yellow. MapQuest said come off the circle onto Perry, take a right onto Westgate Pkwy, and EMSI is on the left. Nothing doing. I couldn't find Perry. So I took a left headed back to 84 because I thought it was close to Primecare, nope. I turned around at Walgreen's and realized that I had to bail out. HOBO Pantry here I come. It was then that I also realized that if the lab had been in the middle of the street and I had been required to tinkle for them, that it would have been for nought. I would have blasted that cup right out of my hands. Hoover dam couldn't have generated a stream that big. You know the sound your computer makes when Windows starts to load? Well if God had enabled us to make more than one note at a time, that's the sound we would make when we pee. I buy a candy bar just to say thanks.

Back in the truck, headed North, still looking on the left. When I had called them earlier, they answered Healthsomethingorwhatever, so I don't really know the name of the business, my paperwork says EMSI. When I see 231 North, I pull over and call them for directions. The lady says if you're coming off of 84 they are 1/2 mile north of Walgreen's on the RIGHT. I had passed it twice. My bladder is full again. I drive past it again because of the name thing but I catch the next street, turn around, and finally arrive. Praying that the bladder rivets hold.

There are no other cars in the parking lot so I think I can get some relief pretty soon. The lady said to take a seat and she would bring me the stuff I was to sign in a minute. Minutes are long when you are in distress, and I'm starting to drown. Paperwork signed and into the back room we go. The man directs me to a chair and starts taking things out of the packet, getting ready for samples. I'm thinking "gimme the cup, gimme the cup, gimme the cup." He's ready now, tells me to turn my face towards the wall on my left (I'm not nervous because I'm sitting down and I still have my clothes on) and proceeds to cut three chunks of hair off the back of my head.

I am disgusted. Here, I have "saved" myself for this man, and he gaps the back of my head. I express my feelings and he tells me that I can use their restroom in a minute. BUT at that moment, a hobo comes in off the street in dire straits and asks to use the bathroom. I count the money in my wallet and would gladly give it all for an empty Prince Albert can if one could be found. Hobo leaves, I get happy, saunter back out to the truck and leave. New bladder size: gallon and a half.

Stupid is as stupid does.

Frank