JohnM
08-14-2005, 03:49 AM
http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4132
Bush vows to eliminate U.S. dependence on oil by 4920
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative
Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the
year 4920, less than three millennia from now.
"Our mission is clear," Bush said in a speech delivered at Fort Bragg
in North Carolina. "We must free ourselves from dependence on fossil
fuels within 85 generations. A cleaner, safer America is my vision.
And it is our great, great-great-times-80 grandchildren who will
realize that vision."
Bush promised a legislative package that would mandate severe cuts in
oil-production subsidies and provide new funding for
alternative-energy research and development. According to the
timetable he presented, these bills could be introduced as early as
3219, and U.S. energy consumers could start to see radical changes by
the early 42nd century.
"If we don't end our dependence on oil by 4920, when will we end it?
5580? By then, it may be too late," Bush said.
Bush called on both Democrats and Republicans living 1,200 years from
now to work together to pass the program.
"It would be a shame if, by the 33rd century, these bills were still
tied up in committee. I urge the 712th Congress to pass this
legislation with minimal partisan gridlock," Bush said.
The president's science advisor, John Marburger, provided more details
of the energy plan in a press release issued late Monday.
"It is the president's hope that hydrogen fuel cells, nanotechnology,
or the recycling of human beings into fuel will hold the key,"
Marburger wrote. "Whatever the people of the 50th century feel is
appropriate."
In a detailed policy statement, Bush elaborated on the plan,
expressing the hope that a third party, perhaps one comprising robots
or super-intelligent, genetically engineered man-beasts, will help
reduce America's dependence on fossil fuels.
"I am calling on the popularly elected cyborgs of tomorrow to support
this sensible measure to ensure the security of the nation," Bush
said.
Some industrialists, particularly major auto manufacturers, expressed
reservation over Bush's initiative.
"As admirable as Mr. Bush's visionary pronouncement is, I worry that
the timetable he proposes is far too ambitious," General Motors CEO
Richard Wagoner Jr. said. "It is simply not realistic. The
automotive industry would require an additional three or four thousand
years to develop engines that can run effectively on renewable or
cleaner-burning fuels."
Exxon Mobil CEO Lee Raymond said the petroleum-producing company
shares Bush's hopes for a cleaner environment "well before the sun
turns into a red giant and dies."
"Mobil Oil has already made great strides in protecting the precious
air and water within the television-commercial environment. And we
plan to golf closely with the U.S. Department of Energy and
oil-industry lobbyists to ensure that President Bush's initiative
comes to pass in the unimaginably distant future."
Responding to reporters' questions, Bush admitted that our progeny
could face challenges in pursuit of the goal, such as the earth's
degrading orbit and eventual destruction of the moon by tidal force,
or the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
"Our distant relations will have some hard work to do," Bush said.
"But hard work is what built this nation, and I have every faith that
they will succeed."
The proclamation comes on the heels of Bush's plans to pay off the
national debt by the early 6300s, and win the war on terror by 7450.
JohnM
Anything worth doing for 2 hours is 10 times more worthwhile if done for 20 hours.
RUSA #235
Bush vows to eliminate U.S. dependence on oil by 4920
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative
Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the
year 4920, less than three millennia from now.
"Our mission is clear," Bush said in a speech delivered at Fort Bragg
in North Carolina. "We must free ourselves from dependence on fossil
fuels within 85 generations. A cleaner, safer America is my vision.
And it is our great, great-great-times-80 grandchildren who will
realize that vision."
Bush promised a legislative package that would mandate severe cuts in
oil-production subsidies and provide new funding for
alternative-energy research and development. According to the
timetable he presented, these bills could be introduced as early as
3219, and U.S. energy consumers could start to see radical changes by
the early 42nd century.
"If we don't end our dependence on oil by 4920, when will we end it?
5580? By then, it may be too late," Bush said.
Bush called on both Democrats and Republicans living 1,200 years from
now to work together to pass the program.
"It would be a shame if, by the 33rd century, these bills were still
tied up in committee. I urge the 712th Congress to pass this
legislation with minimal partisan gridlock," Bush said.
The president's science advisor, John Marburger, provided more details
of the energy plan in a press release issued late Monday.
"It is the president's hope that hydrogen fuel cells, nanotechnology,
or the recycling of human beings into fuel will hold the key,"
Marburger wrote. "Whatever the people of the 50th century feel is
appropriate."
In a detailed policy statement, Bush elaborated on the plan,
expressing the hope that a third party, perhaps one comprising robots
or super-intelligent, genetically engineered man-beasts, will help
reduce America's dependence on fossil fuels.
"I am calling on the popularly elected cyborgs of tomorrow to support
this sensible measure to ensure the security of the nation," Bush
said.
Some industrialists, particularly major auto manufacturers, expressed
reservation over Bush's initiative.
"As admirable as Mr. Bush's visionary pronouncement is, I worry that
the timetable he proposes is far too ambitious," General Motors CEO
Richard Wagoner Jr. said. "It is simply not realistic. The
automotive industry would require an additional three or four thousand
years to develop engines that can run effectively on renewable or
cleaner-burning fuels."
Exxon Mobil CEO Lee Raymond said the petroleum-producing company
shares Bush's hopes for a cleaner environment "well before the sun
turns into a red giant and dies."
"Mobil Oil has already made great strides in protecting the precious
air and water within the television-commercial environment. And we
plan to golf closely with the U.S. Department of Energy and
oil-industry lobbyists to ensure that President Bush's initiative
comes to pass in the unimaginably distant future."
Responding to reporters' questions, Bush admitted that our progeny
could face challenges in pursuit of the goal, such as the earth's
degrading orbit and eventual destruction of the moon by tidal force,
or the Second Coming of Jesus Christ.
"Our distant relations will have some hard work to do," Bush said.
"But hard work is what built this nation, and I have every faith that
they will succeed."
The proclamation comes on the heels of Bush's plans to pay off the
national debt by the early 6300s, and win the war on terror by 7450.
JohnM
Anything worth doing for 2 hours is 10 times more worthwhile if done for 20 hours.
RUSA #235